Friday, March 16, 2012

Friday Funnies: St. Patrick's Day

Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

"Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed," Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's Pub. "I would have blown my head off."

* * *

The Doctor was puzzled. "I'm very sorry, but I can't diagnose your trouble, Paddy. I think it must be drink."

"Don't worry about it, Dr. Kelley," replied Paddy. "I'll come back when you're sober."

* * *

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy (who was sitting behind Seamus on the bike) began to holler, "Seamus...Seamus...the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy, my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back? That'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus's advice and turned his jacket from front to back. He got back on the bike, and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there.

Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. Soon he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy, who was sitting on the ground. "Oh, is he all right?" Seamus asked the farmers.

"Well," one of them replied, "he was alright when we found him here...but since we turned his head back to front, he hasn't said a word since!"

* * *

Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving. Late Sunday evening, he was found in tree by a farmer.

"What happened?" asked the farmer. Liam replied that his parachute failed to open.

"Well," said the farmer, "if you had asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you that nothing opens here on a Sunday."

* * *

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say! I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes, and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, another patron walks in and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."


Chelsea said...

Soooo funny!

Allie Gower said...

Thanks for the funnies, I'll be using some of these at dinner!