Friday, January 18, 2013

Friday Funnies: Senior Moments

One month ago today, my grandmother turned 101 years old. Isn't that amazing? This photo was taken last summer at the Orlando show:

Grandma has always had a good sense of humor, so I don't think she'd find it disrespectful to read today's jokes about senior citizens:

A little old lady came home from shopping and found a robber in her kitchen. Scared and not knowing what to do, she raised her hand and quoted the Scripture "Acts 2:38." The robber froze in his tracks, so she called the police.

When the policeman came, he saw this robber standing perfectly still and wondered what the lady had done. He asked her, and she replied, "I just quoted some Scripture."

The policeman turned to the robber and said, "Why did that Scripture make you act this way?"

The robber replied, "Scripture, what Scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38s."

* * *

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor, who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman's hearing to become perfect again.

One month later, the elderly gentleman returned to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor said, "Your hearing is flawless. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

* * *

Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting pleasantly when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Everyone gave a little laugh.

A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!"

This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat, and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"

* * *

Maurice, an 82-year-old man who lived in a small town, went to the doctor for his physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm and a big smile on his face.

The following week, when Maurice returned to the doctor for a follow-up visit, the doctor said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc, to 'get a hot mama and be cheerful.'”

The doctor responded, “I did not say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'”

* * *

Sitting on the side of the highway, waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thought to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.

Approaching the car, he noticed there were five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...22 miles an hour!" the old woman said a bit proudly.

The police officer, trying to contain a laugh, explained to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," he pointed out.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer," she assured him. "We just got off Route 119."


SweetMissDaisy (Anna Wight) said...

Hahaa!! Loved the funnies, but even more, I LOVE your Granny!! How adorable is she!? What a treasure you've got in her!

Linda R. said...

Thanks for the smiles!

Susie said...

Your Grandma is beautiful. She certainly doesn't look her age. What a blessing you still have her.

Sue D said...

Precious photo of you and your grandma. Your funnies made me chuckle.

Debbie Fisher (debbiedee) said...

love the photo of your and your grandma! How precious!

love the funnies too!

Anonymous said...

What an adorable grandma! She sure looks great for her age. Great jokes, too. Robin Barwacz

Anonymous said...

just stopping by to say hello

Debbie H. said...

Your Grandmother is precious! What treasured time you have with her!