Friday, April 25, 2014

Friday Funnies: National Telephone Day

According to my secret sources, today is National Telephone Day. Apparently it's also National Arbor Day, National DNA Day, National Hairball Awareness Day (I kid you not), National Hug A Plumber Day (again, no joke), and National Zucchini Bread Day...but we've only got so much room for this blog post, so we'll focus on the first one regarding our jokes.
 
 
A Very Busy Lawyer

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
 

The Lady & Her Dog

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone often failed to ring when her friends called. On the few occasions when it actually did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring...which just goes to show you that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning!
 

Fun With Telemarketers

One thing that has always bugged me, and I’m sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. This particular call happened to be from AT&T, and it went something like this:

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T…

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…

Me: This is AT&T, right?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Byron, please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: Okay, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid five minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T…

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T (getting a little excited at this point, by my interest): Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That’s right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow, that’s amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That’s quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.

Me: Okay, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly, or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? And if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week, and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh, no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay US10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute, that I’ll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for…

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary.

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point I began trying to finish my dinner.

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me (with mouth full of food): Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: Okay, no problem. I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: No, but I was wondering...do you have that “friends and family” thing? Because you can never have enough friends, and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…

AT&T: *Click*

6 comments:

Linda R. said...

I'd love to do that to a telemarketer. Loved the Funnies!

Katie said...

Oh my gosh! I can't believe you were able to keep that up (the phone conversation with AT&T)! Love zucchini bread. Thanks for sharing.

Katie B.

Sue D said...

Very funny especially the last one.

Jackie Wamhoff said...

I know, Linda and Sue D, isn't that a hoot? Oh goodness no, Katie...that wasn't me in the conversation with AT & T. This was an article I'd found online. But wouldn't it be hilarious to actually do something like that!

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